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I believe in Grace

Wow. So I haven't posted here in over a year. I am amazed how much my life has changed. The last time I was here I was upset about my shitty summer. I had a lot of slef pitty and I was lost. When I think back on the "old me" I am so thankful for the new me. This summer I worked at camp. I experienced God's love and grace and I was extremely blessed. I had an amazing summer and I know God put me there. Because I would have never gone to camp on my own. That seems to be a repetitive theme lately. I am starting to learn to let go and and just let God take my life into His hands. In September I moved to NJ and I was miserable. I was so homesick. I kept asking myslef "what the hell were you thinking? What made you think that you would enjoy this?" And i really had no idea how I ended up here. If I had really analyzed everything before I started applying to be a nanny in the states I never would have gone through with it. It was totally God putting the idea in my head and pushing me to move here. And when I first got here I kept saying to God "I can't do this on my own." "I need you." I asked for help in everything I did as an Au Pair. From cooking to dealing with problamatic boys. But a few months into it I started getting used to the life style. I became more at ease. I made some friends, the camp high faded and dissapeared. I stopped looking for a church and I stopped asking God to be apart of everything in my new life. I was upset with God. I begged Him to send me home. To give me a message, a sign, a reason to stay. I cried myslef to sleep too many times to count. I would cry in the shower so my family couldn't hear me. I felt like He was ignoring me. I told Him I would take it either way, but I needed to know He was here for me that I wasn't alone. I just needed reasurance. But I never got it. And I just got even more furious with God. I went home for Christmas and I felt like I was totally jipped. I went home for 12 days. 2 Sundays. There were four snow storms when I was home which totally butted into visiting time. I missed out on a party at Lois' house which was supposed to be a time when I could see everyone before I left. I went to church twice. I sat with my friends and joked and chatted with them. But in the end church was my biggest disapointment. I just sat through the serman. I stood and sang the words of worship, but I felt nothing. I was empty. I was jealous of the other members of the church who were getting enjoyment out of the worship. I was so sad. I wanted to cry to breakdown, to show GOd I was sorry that I wanted him to take me back. But I couldn't do it in front of my friends. I wanted them to think I was strong. I was a New Jersey Girl now. I had to be tough. Put up a face, a barrier. Because sure they were there then and they would comfort me and hold me. But what would happen when I was back in Jersey? Alone again? Who would be there to pick up the pieces? I couldn't break down, because I knew I would never get back up. Christmas was fun and traditional, but it wasn't enough. I am still homesick, still sad, still crying myself to sleep. I started thinking about the summer. And I so badly want to go back to camp. But I know I can't because my contract isn't up until the first of Septemeber. It makes me really sad to think that I wont be at camp this summer. I think its something that I need to do again. I was blessed in so many ways at camp. I made new long lasting friendships. I met little ladies that changed my life. I felt Gods presence the strongest I have ever felt it. Camp was a safe haven for me, "a bubble" as it is often refurred to. I have never been as happy as I was at camp. Even though I was seperated from my two best friends the entire summer, I was still really happy. At first I applied to camp so I could be with my friends. But God was like no no no, thats not why you are going to camp. He defenitly had a better plan for me than I did. And I am sure that is still the case now but I can't see it. And I like to think my eyes are wide open to His plan, but I have a feeling they are glued shot. I know what I want and I know how I feel. But God knows better. Please Jesus take all of me and don't hold back. I can fight through my tears as long as your love endures. I will be broken if that what t takes to expreience your love. I will give my all I promise you, as long as love endures.

Confessions of a broken soul

This summer I was dissapointed early on. I didn't get on at Camp Seggie, my work life was ruined (AGAIN) and I had lost Faith (for the gazillionth time). I didn't know what to do with myself. I thought that my summer would suck because all my new friends were at camp and all my old friends had basically ditched me because I had made new friends at the end of the school year. I moped around for a couple of weeks getting into my old habits again. I picked up swearing and fighting constantly with my siblings. I was fighting with my parents for what seems like a 50 year battle over my weight. I pretended that my weight didn't exsist and I hung around with the wrong people. I decided after a week or two of doing all that, that it was time that I found another job because I wasn't getting many hours at P&W's. And what better way to ignore Jesus then to become a work-a-holic. So I applied at Mikes (really I went in and told April(managaer) that I wanted a job), and got the hostess position. I started working right away. It started off at 2 shifts a week but soon was 3 then 4 then 7 shifts a week! I was also working about one shift at P&W's so life was hectic. I had no time to think about anything else other then work and my friends at work and the guys that I had crushes on at work. Or so I thought but really anytime I let my mind wander I thought of Jesus and how I missed Him and wished that I could find Him some how amist the troubles of life. But no matter how hard I looked and how many rocks I overturned I founed a way to miss the light amd only see the shadows. I mean that the troubles of life always seemed to make me shut down and forget any notions about wanting God in my life again. I came to a breaking point in the middle of the summer when I basically offered myslef back o God and begged him to take me back. I knew that He had never let me go but it was hard for me at the time to grasp that and it still is. I know that I was the one who let go of His hand only to have Him grab my other one. It happened on a rainy day in July I was outside by myslef sitting under my apple tree in the pouring rain. I was just sitting, litterly. I wasn't thinking about anything my mind was empty. I mean there may have been the ocasional thought like the grass is green or my hair is wet, but other then that nothing. I was sitting in the dark of July in the rain, cold angry bitter sad depressed frustrated confused broken Jessica. I sat there crying. Crying about nothing. Maybe I was crying because the grass was green I dont know. But whatever it was it hurt. I was crying the hurt type. You know the kind where you can barely catch your breath. That kind. I was crying and then I was praying. I dont know how or when I started but when I did I couldn't stop. I prayed and prayed about everything and everyone I could think of. I cant remember what it was now but I tell you it was enough to make me stop crying. At the end I looked up at the cloudy sky and asked God to show me a sign, anything I said I will take any little indscrible sign. I didn;t get one but that was sign enough. I laughed stood up and went back into my house. I think maybe a month or more later I was back in the same spot I was in before that rainy day in July. This time though it was worse. I was back in school, back at Gab, back at Church and no longer had work for a distraction. I thought I was the only one like me. You know what I mean? That no one could possibly of had a more worse summer then I. Of Course as God does all the time he pointed out that I was wrong and that infact there were a number of us who had clips and bits of my summer and different more and less frustrating summers with and without God. I still was lost though. I kept thinking about what Ethan had said before the summer. He said that he encouraged us to die to ourselves and live in Christ. I was thinking how everyone else had probably done that except for me. Again though God pointed out how very wrong I was. Ha! I am always looking in the wrong place. Well of course there were plenty of people who didn't live in Jesus. And yet my eyes were still glued shut to faith. Actually they stayed shut until now. Well I guess later on. It depends. But the night I went to Starfield at Moncton Westley things started looking up. The day started off really good. My mom dropped me off and I waited with everyone else at the church until it was time to leave. Eventually everyone arrived and we started to drive. When we got there it was nothing special we went to Boston Pizza, ordered food and then ate. After that though Ethan showed up which I didn't understand because I was like how did he get to Moncton? Anyway I still dont really know how he did get there. When we were all done eating we went to the Church.We waited outside for like 45 min. It was kind of akward because I didn't know anyone there. Everybody was from Camp. I felt left out.
Alisha and Lois came over to our "circle" and things went better. Everyone was really nice to me even though I only knew them for like 5 min. It was great. But I still wasn't sure what I was feeling. I thought I was hyper. Now that I think of it though I probably wasn't. We all went in at 7:00. We sat in the fourth row. katelyn Rebecca, Ethan and me. The first band was good. I didn't really get that into it though. They played a few songs and then there was an intermission. The intermission was over after 20 min. Starfield was about to start. Becca and I went down front. Ethan joined us. Katelyn stayed in the pews. ...Okay so I wrote that a long time ago because the date today is March 2nd 2007. And I wish I had finished that entry a long time ago when the moments were still fresh in my memory, but I dindn't beacause it was too hard. I was spiritually full and over eager. Now I am drained, confused, scared, and sad. I probably shouldn't even write this now. But I am because I feel I need to. ... So when Starfield came on stage I was really excited and they played a lot of jumpy songs and it was a good time. It was my first time at a christien concert and my first time seeing Starfield. I really liked the fact that they had all the lyrics on the wall behinf the band. It added a new connection of understanding the messages. When they played I want to hold the hand that hold the world... I broke down spiritually. I found myself weeping when they stopped singing and started praying. He said God some people here tonight are happy and some are sad. Some are breaking down right in front of us Lord. He prayed that we be lifted up to God and be filled with his love. I was balling and laying out my entire life at God's feet. I don't know if it was Ethan or someone else or God but at the exact moment, someone said Jessica it's okay, you're alright and you're safe, shhh I'm here. I love you Jesus I thought, and the band continued to pray and I continued to cry. Okay so now it is May 15th and I wrote all that like in October. Today I can stand up and say that I have Faith. I cannot say that it has been a constant faith, a secure faith or an easy faith, but I have it! I want to shout to the world that I love Jesus and my friends and my life. But that is only in this exact moment. I encourage you to keep a journal because when I go back and read these enteries it makes it easier for me to see God and what he is doing in my life!

Yaa-da-daa-da-daa-da Yaa-da-daa-da-daa-da

Isn't it funny, I mean isn't it curious that I always end up back here? And by here I mean in this place, this whole, this feeling that I can never seem to escape. The past is back and the clock has struck midnight,the witching hour is upon us. The past is ready to begin its hunt, and take us back to that familiar pit of despair. Honestly the saying has more truth in it then we think or give credit. History DOES repeat it's self, over and over and over again. And then it hunts us down, pushes, pushes us into or self dug graves. None of us want to die, give us credit for that. But none of us want to work for the right to live either. Its a never ending cycle. Or it may end, but never in the way we want it to. We want want want want want want want want, never work, give, offer, repay, try, understand, finish the task at hand.

Back in the past

Am I crazy for loving this
Can I be sane for keep it?
Where did I loose control
Life was simple at 14 years old
I need help, but do I want it?
Give me back my ignorance
Let me live inside that bliss
Can I go back to being nieve
I no longer need to see
Take away that insecurity
Where are my crazy clips
I miss my tear away pants
and those stunning flower hats
My hair takes too much time now
Why do I care about my uni-brow?
Those overhalls where the shit
Who needs deoderent for there pits?
I wish my life was back at 14
So simple, so serene, so me.

Is it too late??

So I know its been forever but it just seems like I never have the time to write anything down anymore. I feel so drained all the time. I hate that I dont care about school anymore because its become such a hassel. I hate that some of the people that are really close to me I just can't seem to really talk to. You know what I mean? I want to have a real conversation with someone. None of this bullshit, like how was your weekend or did you get your hair cut? Like what the fuck? Does no one ever talk about real things anymore? I dont even no what real is, its like I've lost all concept of who I am, where I am, what I need and where am I going at such a draining speed? I wish I could just stop. Take a minute. Look at the world through a spyglass. I need to go back to Cuba. Things we're just simpler there. I could relax have fun READ!!! I need more sun and less rain. I could that in Cuba. I need to take my time. They say that in Cuba the cubans are on "CUBAN TIME" which basically translates to I will get to it when I get to it. I need school to be over and life to resume to nothingless.

Analyzing life

When I read through my old journals (you know the ones we once wrote with pens and paper) I realise just how much I've changed. Some of it is good change and other parts just make me wonder how I got here. For example I was reading about a time that I went to the movies with Sam Dee and Pearl. I was writting aout how Sam saw a guy that she really liked and she was getting all giddy and what not but this guy just ignored her. She got really upset and stuff and It sort of ruined our night. I wrote at the end of the entery that I was glad that I didn't get like that about guys because they usually just break our hearts. That was almost 2 years ago and now I go gaga over every second guy. I think I wish that I was still that innocent, that I havent seen all I've seen, heard all I heard, watched my mom loose her best friend, Brent crying, gossip whispering through p&w and much much more. Life is tros complicated for me.

CRAZY UPSET

MAD MAD mad mad mad mad mad mad mad mad mad mad!!! mad ! mad mad mad mad maD!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!! I hate everyone. No wait I hate 2 ppl. whose names im sure you alredady know and yes the Big B is one of them.

Wow, oh... wow

i worked all weekend and so now im dead. not literally but it was so stressful. We were CRAZY. I was so frustrated on Friday night that if someone else had said one more thing to me im positive i would have started crying. The only thing is i didn't cry but someone did. On saturday Brent cried. no joke. I was so worried.. he scared the shit out of me. i went back to the kitchen to find him bent over the chip drawer.. crying. i asked him if he was okay he just nodded and said yes and walked away. i didnt know what to think. i thought maybe someone had died. i asked Carla if he was okay and she said just to give him some space for a minute. i wish i would of had something more helpful to say.

Fucking hell hole

I hate my life. Correction. I hate my work life. Its retarded. I dont know how to explain it. Fuck it. I cant deal with this shit.

WOOO Betsy sslow down

time is passing by so fast. I cant believe christmas is like only 5 days away. I love the holidays though. Im getting my wisdom teeth out wed. Im so worried!!! i hope it okay.